AT A RESTAURANT IN CUIDAD EL GUANO
“Please come in, Señor, what an honor to have you and your beautiful family in our humble cantina while you are visiting our little foreign country. May I recommend? Perhaps you have heard we are very well known for our specialty, the Gringo Enchilada. It is low fat, low cal, low carb, low salt, lo mas peor del todo del mundo, using our local version of the American process cheese product, half a jar of El Puto salsa, and a shot of Tabasco so you’ll think you’re at home. If you’re not sure about too hot, you might prefer the Pinche Gringo, which is a little lighter in the zapatas, as we say here. Of course, you will want the corona, the crown on top, the perfectly fried egg, the Huevon Pinche Gringo Enchilada. Si, Señor, I thought so.
"You know in our culture the most important person is the mother, la Madre. Si, so you know for you we have the perfect dish, we call her La Puta Madre, the perfect mother. We start with fresh hot bread, a big white panoche, and we spread it open with a lot of roly-poly holy mole till it’s all red and sloppy, then put a big hot sausage called la chora sangrajora right in the middle, aie, La Puta Madre! Si, I can tell you want it, Mama, pues andale.
"The young lady, yes, almost ready for college, are you? What, just High School, almost? Well, for someone with precocious tastes like you clearly have, we have La Manga Dulce Chichona, because it’s so sweet and fresh and juicy, and it’s reaaally hot. It will make your whole mouth feel all puffed up and warm and throbbing with every fat pulgada you swallow. How many pulgadas do you think you would you like? You know less than six is only a snack.
"Your… son? Is that before or after the procedure you came down here for? No offense, but may I personally recommend something I think might be good for him? We call it the Todo Joto Roto Sangroto. It’s a bowl of beans you can clear a room with, and the hottest chile from the valley of aie la chingada, half a Shih Tsu a lady left here last week, and couple of shots of El Baño tequila, con gusano. Served with his pendejos on fire, he could fly like a jet.
"What? That’s the one you want for yourself. Si, Señor. And you want it with the chora sangrajora like the lady’s on it as well? Pues, I guess you have been around the world, haven’t you. So the Pinche Huevon goes down the table? Seguro. Everybody’s happy. We’ll have those right out for you. (Oyez Chuy, para la gente, la usualmente.)
"Now, as you know, we have a custom of bringing you something before dinner we call Bebidas y Basuras. Chulita will take your orders for the drinks at our affordable gringo prices, and Chuleta will bring you our special Basuras, some little chingasos y mierdas like you see on those Gringo TV shows, and Cholita will take videos of you choking on it which we can we sell to them later. So then, as we here in our friendly little country love to say, “Arriba la cola!”
If you like the bi-cultural warmth and humor of New Mexico,
you will likely enjoy this book of fanciful stories
of life in the 1850s border town of Lastima.
THREE TALES IN LASTIMA