Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Collected and written by
James Nathan Post

"That all depends on whom you ask."

GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if he is on our side.

COLIN POWELL :
To the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... you can draw your own conclusions as to why.

MITT ROMNEY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am against crossing chickens now, and always have been.

HILLARY CLINTON:
Why did the chicken have to cross the road alone? With my Universal Crossing Plan, he could cross the road safely with all the other chickens. (If that chicken had stuck with me instead of crossing the road, he wouldn't be getting served with grits at the White House picnic.)

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with that chicken. The eggs? That depends on what 'lay' means.

JOHN McCAIN:
I know why the chicken crossed the road, my friends, because I know how to win the war in Viet Raq… I mean Iranisan. The chicken crossed the road because I reached out to him to come over and support the war… I mean, support the troops.

BARACK OBAMA:
Who said the chicken crossed the road? That road leads right into the big corporations' chicken cookers, and chickens from both sides are going in... not across. We need to end our addiction to KFC, and get off the roads.

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken to cross the road. It produces less greenhouse gas than a cow, and a lot more eggs.

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent hardworking American white man, that's why.

RON PAUL:
According to the Constitution, it's nobody's business to ask why the chicken crossed the road, or to tax him for doing it.

RAND PAUL:
Whatever his motivation, I stand against any bill that would repeal his right to cross any road not protected by private property rights.

KARL ROVE:
He crossed the road to vote Republican because he had been effectively targeted by the message that he should fear attacks from coyote predators and liberal perverts.

DICK CHENEY :
We're getting Halliburton $29 a pound for chicken MRE's, on Rummy's budget. Where's my shotgun?

SARAH PALIN:
I've got your shotgun, Dick. I'm defending the Russian border with it, getting combat command experience. Just because we don't have chickens or roads in Alaska, that doesn't mean I'm not ready to lead them across all the roads in this great country, in all the other 48 states.

NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going, or why. I had a standing order to sell my eggs when the chicken crossed the road. All right, I sold the chicken too. So what?

DR. PHIL :
This chicken won't deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road, and that's why he keeps crossing.

OPRAH:
The chicken had problems, which is why he wanted to cross the road so bad. So instead of having to learn from his mistake, which cost him so much, I'm going to give every chicken here tonight a car so he can just drive right across that road.

BARBARA WALTERS :
In a few moments, we wiw hear the chicken teow the haht-warming stowy of how it expewienced a sewious case of molting, and went on to accompwish its dweam of cwossing the woad.

ANDERSON COOPER :
We have reason to believe there is a chicken over there, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, then broke down beneath its load. Maybe now it must be towed. Why it crossed nobody knowed.

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! That's why they call it the 'other side.' If you eat that chicken, you'll be gay too, so boycott chicken to end this abomination the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'cross the road.'

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. We just wrung its head off and ate the sum'bitch.

BILL GATES :
I have just released eChik2012, which will cross roads, lay eggs with apps, and balance your check book. It is stable and will never cra#@&&^(C%.

COLONEL SANDERS :
To serve mankind. Did I miss one?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING:
Because I had a dream one day he would.

AL SHARPTON :
How come only white chickens are crossing the road? Where are all the black chickens?

JESSE JACKSON
If a million black chickens had crossed the road together, I could have been President.

JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens crossing all the roads together, for peace.

J.EDGAR HOOVER:
I know why the chicken crossed the road. I know where and when, and I have pictures of it. Tell you? The Bureau does the asking, not the telling.

OSAMA BIN LADEN:
Infected with weaponized Chicken Pox I obtained from the CIA to use against Russia, the cock of jihad fulfilled the will of Allah by crossing the road into Jerusalem and suicide-poisoning a dinner party of American tourists.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
While FEMA holds seminars to ask why my mother crossed the road, I've got Katrina happening down here at the wall. For what did they send all the horses?

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

ARISTOTLE:
The chicken does as he does because he should, as he is as he is, as only he could be.

FORREST GUMP:
Chicken is as chicken does. Mama told me crossing the road is like a box of eggs, but I never knew why until I dropped the box.

SARTRE:
The real question is, "Why is there a chicken?"

THE GEKKO:
To save 15% on his automobile insurance, of course. His alternative was to walk a mile for a camel, but who can find one of those when you need it these days?

DONALD TRUMP:
To conceal where he was really born, so he could pretend to be the big turkey who gets idolized on TV and fed free at the White House, instead of being put on the table in service to his betters.

ROSIE O'DONNELL:
To kiss my fat dyke ass, just like you can on my next show, Trump-a-dump, you chump.

CARLOS MENCIA:
Because Taco Bell pays more for chicken parts on the other side than he could get in Tijuana.

DOUGLAS ADAMS:
42.

PAMELA ANDERSON:
To get her breasts enlarged, and to get stuffed with sausage and roasted on TV.

MR. T:
If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too.

RON WHITE:
He couldn't lick his balls, so he did what he could do. He crossed the road.

KEITH RICHARDS:
Roadkill happens. Who gives a wank?

MEL BROOKS:
The bear went over the mountain. It's the only other place. What's that white stuff in chicken shit? It's chicken shit too. Come on, what else? Same shtick, nu?

WOODY ALLEN:
That road was Goldman Avenue, and on the other side were Irish and Germans, beef eaters, pork eaters. On this side it was all Jewish, so you know what chance a chicken's got here.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD:
I'm too chicken to cross the road. I don't know how he made it. I sure as hell don't want to know why.

CHICO MARX:
Vhy a chicken? Vhy a duck shouldn't cross the road?

GROUCHO MARX:
A viaduct should cross the tracks, but what do I know?

HARPO MARX:
(Clutching a chicken and a squeeze horn, dodging traffic to cross the road.) Honk! Honk!

CURLY HOWARD:
How should I know? I just wanna know who got the chicken. Grrr… woof!

LARRY FINE:
I still don't get it. So which one is right? Why did the chicken cross the road?

MOE HOWARD:
Because I told him to, you schmuck. Now get back to work!



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